Lord Fat Nonce: Letter of Resignation from the Government.
Dear Boris Johnson,
I have for a long time been one of the most loyal supporters of this party and your government; the fact that you have never heard of me and don’t know why I have a job or what the constitutionally vital role of “Goodness Czar” does in no way undermines confidence in the belief my resignation is a deeply serious matter for you, perhaps the most serious currently facing your government.
Your tenure has seen the office of Prime Minister marred to an extent utterly unparalleled in history. You have told lies.
I, Lord Fat Nonce, appeared before the Parliamentary Crossbench Committee on Goodness chaired by Mr. Childe Rapist on Monday to deliver my Independent Report on Good. In response to the scrutiny of the panel, I expressed my frustration at the fact the Prime Minister has yet to make an objectively good statement and seems to labour under the delusion this can be made up for in making subjectively good ones.
Your letter to me explaining for these shortcomings was helpful, up to a point. However, it failed to address my main questions by claiming that nobody had yet shown how Goodness was an objective property of the universe: I consider this position impossible and odious.
WMD in Iraq, covering up paedophilia scandals, LIBOR scandal, bailing out the banks, expense claims, lobbying, Rotherham, Carillion, COVID. Downing Street’s occupants may have made mistakes, this is the first time they have fundamentally lacked Decency. The duty I have to my party, the duty I have to my country and most importantly of all, the duty I have to my own conscience, forbids me from continuing to support your government.
Your leadership has been, in its nobler moments, incredibly brave. I manfully applauded your refusal to countenance the welfare of millions of Britons in sanctioning Vladimir Putin’s regime; the government has been a model of honesty (and decency) in its decision to honour our promises to the nation’s pensioners and respect the “triple lock”; a welcome constitutional ballast in a maelstrom of moral turpitude.
But at other moments, I have been deeply ashamed to be a member of your government; the policy of sending refugees to Rwanda is ugly, I hope that we will see a ministry which appreciates the superior aesthetics of making the taxpayer house them in hotels instead. You have divided the country with culture wars when, as Goodness Czar I know, the point of politics is in fact that disagreement with anyone on anything is not allowed.
As an extremely important person, my resignation is of course extremely important. Without its Goodness advisor it is clear that the government will soon stop being Good and may even become Bad. It is unlikely, without my support, that Boris Johnson can continue to be Prime Minister. We will soon have a new government but, here’s the wondrous part, it will not actually do any new things; instead of changing any policy position on any single issue to disagree with you, Prime Minister, we will simply keep doing the things you are doing, but with Decency and Honesty instead.
How the public can possibly remain quiet about this revolution is beyond me.
Independent Advisor on Goodness